Chronicles of Idiocy
by Ry-sak
Summary: Join our heroes as they search for treasure locked deep within a mountain that is guarded by evil hydras! Or perhaps just watch them mill about on the beach and prank each other. All aspects of what the group does will be covered, from saving the world to stealing from NPCs!
1. Dual Beginnings

It had been a year since Matt had last seen his friends. After the defeat of Godcat, the four had gone their separate ways, Anna to Greenwood forest, Natalie to Goldenbrick Resort, Lance to the Waste Treatment plant, and Matt to the wilds with monsters and loot. But the fates did not like to see the heroes separate for long.

It started with a traveler from lands unknown. Called Willow, she visited the cities and sang for coin and food. The songs, known as Willow's Wisdoms, told the tale of a band of adventurers who traveled across the land, vanquishing evil and freeing the land from tyranny. At the end of their travels, when they were too old to adventure and slay, they took their riches, equipment, and knowledge, and locked it deep within a mountain, with all manner of monsters to guard it. It was said, or rather, sung, that only the pure at heart could unlock the vault and obtain the treasure.

"Awesome! I love loot and riches!" Matt was cheered immensely by the thought of valuables and a new sword. "I wonder where this mountain is."

And so, despite having no clue as to where he was going whatsoever, Matt began his journey to find the legendary treasures.

The swordsman had been traveling for a few weeks, heading towards a mountain range that he hoped contained the right mountain. The monsters were getting tougher to try to fight on his own, usually being some stupid mage birds and some clays. But this time, it was a bit worse than just some stone golems and magic birds. This time it was a Viking monolith.

Monoliths had been rather difficult to fight even in the group. And Matt usually wouldn't be fighting too much until Natz could syphon the stupid hunk of rock. But there was no Natz to syphon it, nor Lance to call an airstrike. Anna would have been helpful too, cause her heal, although not spectacular, could break the ice that Matt was currently encased in.

For a split second, the ice shattered from one of those instant death icicles, and Matt managed to slam his sword into the earth, releasing energy in the form of a huge stony blade that rocketed out from underneath the monolith, dealing tons of damage.

"Awesome, a critical hit! One more Cataclysm and the roc-" Oh look, more freezing.

Matt tried to brace himself as best he could against the massive laser that struck him next, but it didn't really matter. The ice ripping from his skin did enough damage, the laser was rather unnecessary after that. Hitting the ground hard, he took in a few breathes before grabbing his sword and getting ready for the next attack.

An icicle of doom fell towards him, and he neatly sidestepped, letting it shatter beside him. He continued his odd, loping run (from injuries and the cold) at the monolith, magic ready. The monolith began its next attack, snowflakes of a monstrous size blowing his way. With a cry of victory, Matt slammed Heaven's Gate into the earth, watching as the blade of rock almost perfectly bisected the stone slab. Then, with a cry of fear, he felt the snowflakes dig into his back and freeze him.

How long Matt stood there, sword still in the dirt, expression of surprise on his face, he didn't know. Time didn't seem to pass. He just stood there, frozen totally solid, waiting for something to attack him.

Anna had also heard Willow's Wisdoms, but was more into the knowledge part than the weapons or wealth part. Or at least, she told herself that as she hiked up the snowy wasteland to the only mountain range she knew of.

Her bow was quite useful at picking off those irritating mage birds from a distance, and she found that clays could not take too many hits from her log attack before splintering.

She hummed a merry tune to herself, a little snowy bush perched atop her head. She wished she had thought to bring warmer clothes, but she could bear a bit of chilliness.

The bush suddenly squeaked, hopping onto the ranger's left shoulder and looking into the distance.

"Danger?" Anna peered into the snowy mist, not seeing anything.

She ventured forth cautiously, bow strung. There was a shape, hazy with all the snow and fog, that resembled a neatly cut crystal. Curious, Anna continued to move towards it.

The crystal was semitransparent, with what looked like a person inside. With a few more steps, it was quite clear it was a person.

He was frozen solid with a dumb expression of shock and 'oh crap' on his face. Long, raggedy blond hair with some braids, blue eyes, a pirate hat and unkempt pirate gear? All check.

Anna sighed, of course Matt had gotten himself frozen.

Taking a breath, she plunged the end of her bow into the dirt, her magic trailing up the statue of Matt.

The ice broke as patterns of flowers drifted about the swordsman, warming him and healing some of his wounds. He fell to his knees, sword slipping from his hands as he sighed blissfully. "Warmth feels so nice..." He smiled foolishly, eyes closed. He then looked up to his rescuer. "Oh hey, Anna, thanks for thawing me out. Really appreciate it. Got any food?" He grinned.

Anna rolled her eyes, muttering "Even half frozen all he cares about is his next meal," to her snow bush. She turned to the blond, "I'll go hunting, you started a fire."

"I need wood."

"Then chop some down!" Anna quickly headed off into the snowy mist, arrow strung in preparation. A loud squawk and a gust of wind alerted her to dinner.

Matt wasn't big on chopping trees down with his sword. It wasn't good for the blade, and it was really boring. He was a warrior! He killed demons and dragons and killer robots! He did not spend his time hacking at trees while starving and freezing to death. But his complaints were heard by none, so he continued working, cutting the tree into pieces, and then finally summoning a fume to light the fire. Then his mood improved quite a bit, the warmth of the fire heating him and drying his clothes.

"Alright, I've never prepared magic bird before, so I hope you know how." Anna held up a large white bird by the arrow sticking from its chest.

"Let's just stick it on a spit and see how that works." Matt poked the fire with his sword, watch the embers leap onto the snow.

"I don't think that's how this works, but I don't have any ideas, so why not." Anna sat by the fire and grabbed an arrow, sticking it firmly in the ground. She then stuck the bird onto the arrow, letting the flames just barely lick its flesh.

The two learned a valuable lesson that day: always pluck birds. The smell of burnt feathers is horrible, and they don't taste good either. But oh well, they knew they would have plenty of chances to get it right, seeing as they weren't leaving the mountains until the treasure was theirs.

Natalie never knew how Lance could stand the Waste Treatment plant. Even after he fixed it up and made it much more hospitable, the cold steel grey and loneliness of the place freaked her out.

But she still continued to wander about the narrow corridors, searching for her old teammate. Drones hissed and whirred above her, slag and sparks raining down from above, singeing her dress.

Upon realising she was hopelessly lost within the maze of metal and industry, she only sighed and continued to wander about, trying to find anything remotely living.

She heard a bit of beeping, almost like a powering up warning, and the tapping of metal on metal. A small drone stepped in front of her, looking, for all intense and purposes, confused. A few little lights on its back lit up and flickered, and it reached out a claw to the hem of her dress. She stared at it for a moment, before carefully reaching down and grasping the claw. The drone shook her hand as best it could.

The two stared at each other for quite awhile, the drone making sure Natalie couldn't leave the corridor. Suddenly, the little robot gave a high pitched beep, and the green lights on its back glowed brightly. It turned away from Natalie and beeped loudly thrice.

"I heard you the first time! Now what do you mean we have a friendly in the base? I didn't add any friendlies to the databa-" Lance stopped his ranting when he caught sight of Natalie. He blinked a few times, looking rather shocked. "Right, I did add you to the list of friendlies."

Natalie coughed, "Right, so, Lance, I was wondering if you could come with me to try to find the treasure that that one lady, Willow, was singing about."

"How much treasure?"

"I don't know, but there are bound to be some cool new spells for me to learn." Then she remembered she was talking to Lance, "And I'm sure there will be some new guns for you."

"New guns? Awesome! When are we starting?" The gunman was ecstatic.

"When I can figure out how to get out of the place! Why is it so maze-like?" Natalie just sighed as Lance gave a reserved shrug and suddenly vanished down a narrow hallway. "Lance! Lance! Where did you go?" She ran after him, trying to spot where he might have disappeared.

"Relax Natz, I was just getting my gear!" And sure enough, there stood Lance, right in front of her, clad in that terrifying Nazi uniform, Gunblade strapped to his side, and two other guns strapped to his back. "Why are you so panicky?"

"I was lost in hear for two hours! Do you know how creepy this place is?"

Lance just shrugged, "It keeps visitors away." With that, lead the way, navigating the network of steel tubes and grated walkways as if he had been doing it his whole life. Finally, they reached the exit, and the heavy metals doors slid open to vast expanses of sand, with the ocean just barely visible on the horizon.

Natalie sighed, happily enjoying the sunshine and fresh air. Lance took a step out and groaned, shielding his eyes, "I forgot just how bright outside was."

"Get out more" was the reply he got before the gunner was promptly dragged off by the mage. But even the brightest lights in the world couldn't stop him from trying to get a quick look as Natalie's red dress was blown up by the hot desert winds.

"Ow! Ow ow ow! I get it! No peaking!" Lance shielded himself from the furious strikes of Natalie's staff.

"You better get it!" With that, Natalie began leading the way again, leaving Lance to trail behind in fear and confusion.

The desert was just as hot and full of monsters as Natalie remembered. She thrust the Dark Tooth into the air, energy condensing and then raining down on the group of red and yellow clays in the form of needles of ice, freezing one of them. Lance was behind her, giving orders through his radio. And sure enough, down came a cluster of small bombs. They buried themselves into the earth, then exploded, destroying all but one of the clays. A quick bosh on the head from Natalie's staff had it lying as a pile of rocky fragments on the ground.

"Alright, we better keep moving. Come on... LANCE! What are you doing!?" Natalie looked behind her to see the gunman stomping on a poor, defenceless little kitten.

"Die! DIE! I won't let you take over the world again, evil scum!" Lance continued to scream at the cat, crushing it into a puddle of blood and bones.

"Lance! Why? It didn't try to do anything!" Natalie his the scene from NoLegs, not wanting him to get scared.

"Cats tried to take over the world! They almost destroyed it!" Lance stepped over the pool of gore, totally ignoring it.

"So did you!"

"So?"

"Matt and I didn't kill you after you tried to kill everyone! We decided we liked you and let you join our team!"

"But I don't like the cats." Lance's expression was that of clueless confusion.

Natalie sighed, "This is gonna be a long trip."

* * *

A/N: Hey everyone, Ry-sak here. Hope you enjoyed the story! Criticism is appreciated but not required. This story will continue indefinitely, so even if it seems to have ended, don't worry, it hasn't. Until next chapter!


	2. Secrets and Poison

"Weak!" Matt laughed as he shrugged off a hit from a snowy bush. He struck the pathetic creature with his sword, dispersing it. "I hope there's something harder inside the mountain."

"Yeah, well, we don't you getting frozen again." Anna shot out a few arrows, striking down a mage bird. "And I'm not looking forward to fighting some huge beast with only two people.

" We'll be fine! When have ever run into trouble?"

"Well, there was that one time when Lance and I were frozen and you got stunned and then Natz was pounded to dust, the time you were insta-killed three times from that monolith pack, and there's always the Beholder..." Anna looked into distance, tilting her head.

"Yeah, maybe we'll run into a little trouble, but we'll be fine! When am I ever wrong?" Matt looked at Anna's face and traced her gaze to the shadow of a tree just visible through the snowy haze. "It's a tree."

"But trees can't grow here!" Anna dashed over to it, peered at it suspiciously.

"You might be able to see better if you got your hair out of eye." Matt grinned at the glare. "What?" He stepped up to the tree and felt up its sides. "Ooooh, is this a handle?"

"Should we really pull the han-"

Click!

And with a woosh, the ground below them disappeared.

Anna screamed as fell, Matt laughed. They hit the ground with a dull thump. Matt quickly got up and brushed the scraps of dirt and bits of snow off his clothes. "Ooh, a secret tunnel. Cool!"

"Owowow. I thought you were never wrong!" Anna pull herself up, rubbing her back.

"I never said pulling the lever would be a good idea. But it was! We found a secret tunnel!" Matt grinned even wider than before, and Anna could honestly say his eyes sparkled. He seemed to have a sudden realisation of some kind, and his eyes ceased sparkling. "I hope your bow didn't break during the fall."

"Ah! My bow!" Anna scrambled around the tiny room-like cave, finally able to find the familiar wooded curve of her bow. "It's all go- OH GOD!"

"What?!"

"Your bleeding! A lot!" Anna grabbed Matt and examined the fresh wound on his side. True to her word, it was bleeding rather heavily.

"Oh, I guess I am. Must have fallen on something sharp." The warrior looked around, and his eyes caught the bloody gleam of his own sword. "Yep, definitely fell on my sword."

Anna focused, and healing magic sprang from her hands as flowers and vines. The wound partially closed, and the bleeding almost stopped, but it was still quite painful. Or... "Matt, how did you not notice a giant gash in your side?"

"I dunno, I was too caught up in the whole secret cave thing."

... maybe not.

"Alright, well, we need to wait till your wound heals, so-"

"Nah, I'm good." Matt shouldered his blade. "It doesn't hurt, remember?"

"But it could still... Hey! Where are you going!" Anna didn't have to go fast to catch up with her partner. Despite his claims the gash was painless, it was slowly Matt down. "I could try Refresh again."

"Wah? Nah, I'll be fine. There's nothing you can't walk off!" Matt smiled, closing his eyes happily, yet still being able to navigate.

"Poison? Near fatal injuries?"

"Nothing a bit of fresh air can't cure! I mean, I've walked off death!" Matt ignored Anna's both confused and shocked expression, preferring to whistle a peppy tune and swing at random plants as he walked. "I wonder how Natz and Lance are. Heh, I bet they haven't moved from their homes all year!"

* * *

"Ugh, Lance, no more poison gas." Natalie groaned, shivering despite heat in the desert. She felt she was gonna puke.

"No poison gas without prior warning, understood." Lance threw a salute by instinct and went back getting water for Natalie.

"How about none at al-aggghua!" Natalie heaved, trying desperately to not let her almost cooked meal of fire turtle spill onto the sand.

"Forgot you didn't have a gas mask, sorry." Lance handed Natz some freshly brewed tea. "You're lucky we're the army is out of nerve gas. Have you seen what that can do?"

Natalie tried the tea, sticking her tongue out at the flavour, but drinking it anyway. "Not sure I want to, Lance."

"You probably don't, cause it comple- Do you hear that?"

"Little busy trying not to puke."

"Hmmmm." Lance looked out at the desert, seeing nothing but glittering sand. But wait, was that movement over there? He thought it was a shadow of a passing cloud at first, only to realise there were none. So what could it be.

A monstrous cannonball whizzed by Lance's face, grazing a bit of his hair.

"Gah, look out! Gunslin-" That time, it wasn't just a dry heave.

Lance cough, trying to avoid breathing in the acrid scent of vomit. It was then then he saw the gunslinger, hovering above the air, a cloak obscuring a body presumably made of guns.

He grabbed the gunblade and fired a few shots, two hitting. The gunslinger produced two Gatling guns and fired them, bullets raining down on him.

He was hit thrice, one was only a graze, but one was a quite painful shoulder hit. He grimaced, but still fired off another shot.

Direct hit. The gunslinger dropped a bit, but quickly rose back up.

"Duck!" Lance obeyed Natz's commend instantly, throwing himself onto sand. A cannonball flew overhead. The gunslinger retracted its monster gun.

Lance reached into his coat and grabbed a flare, chucking it. It flashed brightly, half blinding the gunslinger. Lance took his time lining up a shot, firing a quick kill. He grinned as the gunslinger fell.

He turned, locating Natz, who had moved to a semi shady area by a rocky outcrop, both to be cool and to get away from her own vomit. He walked over to her, but was quickly hit by a dizzy spell. He groaned and held his head, trying to refocus. He stumbled over the mage.

"I think the poisoning is almost ever with..." Natz leaned back on the rock, and started a bit when Lance collapsed in a heap beside her. "Lance? Lance, you're bleeding."

"I know." He took off his cap and began the process of unbuttoning his uniform. "I'm just hoping I don't die of heat stroke." He threw his coat away, now only in a black tank top.

"And now I have to take care of you?" Natz stood, a little bit wobbly, but mostly alright.

"I guess." Lance sighed, going limp. He panted for a few seconds, then opened one eye, smiling slightly. "Can you dress up as a nurse?"

"Uh. Just this once." Natz turned away and walked off, wishing she hadn't agreed.

Lance full on grinned. "Totally worth heat stroke."


	3. The Dragon's Lair

"You're sure you don't want me to heal you?" Anna grimaced slightly as she watched her friend limp along, oblivious to his injuries.

"Yup." Matt smiled, sword over his shoulder. "I hope there's something good to eat down here." He sighed heavily, suddenly solemn. "We don't even have beer."

"Seriously? That's all you ca-" From just around the corner, a deafening roar echoed. "Dragon." Anna's voice dropped to a low whisper. "Oh God, if it sees us, we're dead."

"A dragon has to have food in its treasure hoard, right?" Matt looked almost thoughtful, and Anna swore she heard gears grinding.

"Uh, no, we are not stealing from a dragon. It case you weren't aware, I can't revive people, and we have no coffee. If we die down here, there is no reset."

"We'll be sneaky!" And with that, Matt bolted down the tunnel and rounded the bend, Anna in pursuit. "Just don't let it see you."

In the middle of a small, yet high ceilinged, cavern sat a monstrous fire dragon. It slept, curled atop a mountain of gold and other such treasures, smoke billowing out of its nostrils.

"Why am I doing this?" Anna gave a fearful glance to the powerful beast only two hundred feet from her. Matt lead the way, skirting along the wall on his tiptoes, neither of them daring to breathe too hard. When they were almost there, Anna slipped, falling face first into a pile of coins with a loud yelp.

The dragon started, growling slightly, and swung its head around to face the soon to be thieves. It bellowed, and lunged.

Anna quickly rolled out of the way as the dragon's huge jaws slammed into the earth beside her. "Oh God!" She managed an awkward sort of run over the piles of treasure as the dragon trailed her with its head. "Oh God, oh God!" Her dress was singed and her legs slightly burned from blasts of fire. "OH GOD!" A massive clawed foot swiped at the ranger, sliced off a bit of ponytail.

"Hyaaaaaaaa!" Matt leaped at the dragon, red haze around him, boosting his attack. His sword skipped across the hard scales, hardly scratching them. The warrior leapt back, trying to ignore his suddenly aching muscles. "Should not have started with Legend..."

The dragon roared, whiiping around to face Matt, striking Anna in the back with its tail. The ranger flew into a wall, falling in a heap on the ground. Matt threw up a Protect, the golden shield shattering under the pressure of the dragon's jaws, not doing much the soften the blow.

He staggered backwards, vision blurry from blood loss. "I think all my ribs are broken." He wheezed, struggling to breathe without hurting himself.

Anna could barely open her eyes, and when she did, the entire world was phasing slowly in and out of focus. All she could really see was the dark smear of the ccave and a huge red mass that seemed to be growing.

Matt forgot that dragons could buff themselves. He tried to defend as the red cloaked beast charged up a fire blast.

But then two small silvery casings were thrown into the air from someone unseen. They exploded with a yellow light and the red energy around the dragon shattered and dissipated.

* * *

"I am never doing that again." Natalie trudged along through the desert, glaring daggers at Lance. "When we are in no risk of dying, remind me to beat you."

"But you agreed to it!" Lance grinned, not even flinching as a staff smacked him in the face.

The two walked in silence, heavy breathing being the only sound between them. The sun seemed to shine brighter than normal, as if to torture the adventurers. The wind picked up, dust obscuring everything.

Lance spat out sand and sweat. "This is why I hate nature. If we were in a factory, say, mine, it wouldn't be so hot!" He sighed, making sure his uniform wasn't dragging in the sand. He was still pretty pissed at Natz for not letting his wear it.

"Do you want fancy guns or not?" Natalie shielded her eyes from the dust cloud, trying to keep the mountains in sight.

"We don't even know if there are guns! Gunman are pretty rare, and way back when, we were even rarer." Lance stopped, rubbing his eyes furiously.

"Sand?"

"An entire desert." He blinked, then stumble forwards, still rubbing at his eyes. "I'll get in out as we go."

"Well, we should stop anyway, this is just a bit of windblown dust, this is a sandstorm!" Natalie peered into the storm. "We should find shelter, and soon."

"Lead the way, I'm blind." Lance grabbed the mage's shoulder as she slowly crept through the desert, trying to find anything that could protect them from the wind.

"Aha! A cave!" Natalie pushed the gunman into the cave before going in herself. It was dark, but there was no sandstorm, so she didn't care.

"I will never again yell at pokemon for missing all the time when they got hit with sand-attack." Lance blinked triumphantly, smiling. "No sand can keep me down!"

Natalie rolled her eyes and began to move the back of the cave when she made a startling discovery. There was no floor. With a scream, she plunged downward, trying to hold down her dress.

Lance heard the scream, and also found that there was no floor.

"Oooooo, that hurts!" Natalie cast a small bit of healing magic, numbing the pain in her arm. "Need any pain relief, Lance?"

"Maybe." Lance grunted. He winced as he touched his already wounded shoulder. It had begun to bleed again, and heavily. "Maybe a bit more than that." He nodded his thanks to his companion as her spell closed the wounded and eased the pain.

"There. Now why don't we rest a b-" There was a roar not far from where they were. "Please don't be what I think it is."

They slowly began to walk down a very tight tunnel, their breath echoing through it. Just as they were beginner to round a bend, they heard another roar from just a little ways up. It was quickly followed by loud explosions and a battle cry from a familiar voice.

"MATT!" Lance and Natalie cried. They sprinted through the tunnel to the mouth of the dragon's lair.

Anna was lying in a crumpled heap on the far side, and the great red dragon was mid strike on Matt. The warrior had tried Protect, but it did little to soften the blow. The dragon roared, becoming cloaked in a harsh red glow.

"If it gets Matt again..." Natalie breathed. And that was all the hesitation the two gave as Lance quickly Dispelled the dragon with some special flares and Natalie made a beeline for Anna, giving Matt a quick heal along the way.

* * *

Achievement Unlocked- The Gang's All Here


End file.
